And now I am studying the Pentateuch again; this time as part of Bible Study Fellowship. Or rather, I’m studying the life of Moses through the books of Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy. This time, however, I came into the study from a different spiritual perspective, not from a spiritual high of obedience and anticipation but from a place of dryness and stagnation.
One of the things God has really been convicting me of these last few weeks is my lack of perspective on his might. I’ve fallen into the “little God” trap and lost sight of God’s “bigness” and supremecy. I’ve been guilty of trying to live this life based on my own power instead of relying on God. I’ve misplaced my trust in the fact that God ordains all, God controls all, and God knows best of all. I’ve failed to trust. I’ve fallen into unbelief that my God can handle everything better than I could even imagine.
As I read through my BSF notes a couple of weeks ago (covering Number 13-14; the 12 spies in Canaan), I was repeatedly convicted of my unbelief. Caleb and Joshua were firmly convinced of the overwhelming hugeness of God. It did not matter to them if they were two men going up against all the giants Canaan could throw at them, they had God on their side and their God was immeasurably larger than all of the giants put together.
I want to reclaim my large view of God. I want to again trust in my God who is immeasurably larger and stronger than all the things of this world. I want to serve a God who doesn’t need me but chooses to use me. I want to trust fully, deeply, irreversably. I long to be lost in God instead of wrapped up in myself. My eyes have been dimmed by unbelief, but I desire now to see God clearly.
So I am again praying that very scary prayer. The prayer where I put all I have and all I am back in God’s hands. “Lord, all I have is yours – my home, my marriage, my children (as difficult as that is to say), my health, my finances, even my very life. It is yours; do with it as you please.”
This is not an empty prayer. I say these things fully recognizing that something will soon change. That something probably will not be the thing I would have chosen and will very likely break me in some way. But I am confident that my God is the big God of Caleb and Joshua. The supreme God. The God who knows the end from the beginning. And I am confident that my God will carry me through in victory, just as he always has.