Quick Before I Get Sidetrack'd

Part 1
Part 2

The question that remains – where do we go from here?  And to that question I have absolutely no answers.  

I know that we are in a place of submission and awareness.  I also know that we are currently in a season of waiting.

There is talk of missions work.  Matt has long had a heart for the unsaved and, especially, for foreign missions.  This is one place where I’ve been holding out.  It scares me to think of living and raising my children in another culture, but if this is what God has planned for us then I will obediently answer the call.

Beyond that, I really have no clue right now.

I once heard someone say that God only allows us to see a few feet in front of us because if we saw any further down the road we would stop dead in our tracks.  

I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that God holds my future (and that of my family) in his hands.  I don’t know what God’s plans are, but I know that his will always prevails.

And with the promises of scripture tucked in our hearts and our minds Matt and I take this journey one step at a time.

Lord, give me courage to walk this path and faith to be obedient.

I blog for several reasons – to record stories and milestones for my children, to keep out-of-town family up-to-date (kind of) on what’s going on around here, to keep a record of the various seasons of life that we’re passing through as a family, to create community, to just have fun.

Another reason I blog is to share some of my thoughts on what God is doing in my heart and in my life.  I’m selective about what I lay out here on the web, so these aren’t the things that I blog about often.  But there are times (like summer 2007) – when God is actively and visibly at work molding me, teaching me, calling me – that I like to record and share.  These are posts that I hope God uses to touch, encourage, inspire those who read.  If nothing else, they are used by God to continue to grow me as I journal.

Over the course of a series of posts I plan to share some of the things that God has been laying on my heart these past few weeks.  It is a time of rebuke, teaching, and growth.  It is a time of anxious anticipation as Matt and I await the next step in this journey called faith.  It is a difficult time on many levels yet a sweet time on many more.

I hope as I post these things you will read, comment, and be open to God’s leading; not because I have answers, but because I believe God will be at work.  I believe God will use this time for encouragement and affirmation for me and, I pray, for you.  Will you join me?

Today I had a meltdown.  One of those ugly cry, snot dripping down face, curl up in the fetal position kind of meltdowns.  Fortunately, my best friend lives two doors down and came running to my rescue as soon as she answered my tear muffled call; otherwise, I might still be laying in the floor in a puddle of tears as the children screamed around me.  

It wasn’t pretty, but it was very, very real.  This is how life feels right now.  We’ve all been sick for a month.  The baby is teething.  I can’t stay on top of the chores like I feel I should.  Life has caught up to me and is dragging me down.  I am weary, to the bone and deep into my soul.

I’m praying for reprieve.  I’m praying for strength.  This seems to be one of those times when God is forcing me to my knees and yet I’ve continued to fight it for too long now.  I don’t know what I’m “chasing”, but it is running faster than I can and is obviously not the right thing.

Please forgive me if you don’t see me here often.  Please forgive me if I don’t make it by your place as often as I would like.  It’s rough times and I’m trying to muster through.

My light at the end of the tunnel right now is a scheduled retreat this weekend with several women I love and am honored to call my friends.  The baby will come with me (Daddy would not be too happy if I left him at home since he won’t take a bottle!), but I’m hopeful that a change of scenery and a change of routine will do my mind, my heart, and my body good.

Until then, I will meditate on these verses:

“He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.”  Isaiah 40:11

“Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”  Isaiah 40:30-31

Last Wednesday, the new year of Bible Study Fellowship began.  This is my second year in the program, and I feel so blessed to be able to participate in such a rich and in-depth study of scripture.  I love the fact that it is based on the Bible and not on a book or commentary that someone has written.  Believe me, I agree that those types of studies do have their place in our lives and I have been richly blessed by studies based on a book or DVD series, but there is just something different about diving straight into the Word of God.

This year we are studying the life of Moses through the books of Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy.  A portion of Lesson 1 is about God’s Covenant with Abraham and the sealing of that covenant as recorded in Genesis 15.  This excerpt from the notes struck me:

“In a human covenant the two parties exchanged mutual promises.  But in this ceremony Abraham did not take part.  He was on one side, as it were, watching as God…passed between the pieces of the slain animals and made unilateral promises to Abraham.  It was a way of saying that keeping the covenant would not depend on Abraham or his faithfulness but solely on the faithfulness of God.” (emphasis mine)

How blessed are we to serve a God who freely grants us salvation (his covenant with us) through the blood of Jesus?  It is such a relief that my salvation does not rest in my own hands, but in the hands of God.  

God is faithful, as proven over and over in the stories of the Bible and in the story of my life; he is truthful and trustworthy, he will not let us down.  Taking a few minutes every now and then to reflect on God’s constancy in my past and on his faithfulness to keep his promises helps me to re-center and focus on him instead of the worries and concerns of this life.

It is solely about God’s faithfulness, not mine.  Praise God!

Little calls from her bed: “Mommy?” said in that sweetest little voice. I open her blinds and welcome her back into wakefulness. I peer out the window, a large butterfly catches my eye; beautiful yellow and black against green grass and bright red salvia. I watch it flutter by and think of the beauty of God displayed for my pleasure. So many blessings, such joy.